‘Okay, not everyone wants to hear about your positiveness.’ – All Who Podcast
Featured image by Joshua Tsu on Unsplash
Transcript:
Welcome to another episode of All Who Podcast. I’m Jacklyn and today I’m recording this episode solo and uh [incomprehensible speed talking] whoa, whoa. We’re gonna slow down and just kind of talk and maybe ramble a little bit, as I do.
I originally planned on posting my first podcast back since my little rebrand on Friday, but obviously that didn’t happen. So I just wanted to kind of come here today to be honest with myself and with anyone who’s willing to listen. Just, that sounds so dramatic and cryptic. So like, let me back up a little bit.
I have been planning on recording an episode of all who podcast with Zach about the power of positive thinking, which I was hoping to upload Friday. But lately I have been in a funk and have just been super irritable and angry, and just so defensive for about two weeks now. So, and like nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. I’ve just been kind of unfocused and unmotivated and annoyed. So it just didn’t feel right to record a podcast about the importance of a positive mindset when I had literally just been turning normal run of the day conversations into arguments because I was in such a shitty mood.
So then, I mean, as I eventually try to do in my down swings, I kind of thought about this blog and how the whole point is to try to unlearn my biases and find new ways to look at things. And I was basically like, ‘Well shit.’
Like my whole, my whole thing with the blog and the site and the podcast –– and I’ve said it a trillion times but –– is to create an environment where people, including myself, can really be honest about their shortcomings in order to try to be better.
The only way to address my problems is to address that there’s a problem. Like that’s literally the first step in any program is acceptance, like, understand that you have a problem, just be real about it, and then learn to move forward.
And over the last two weeks I’ve been so short and so defensive that I can’t even listen to honest, not even criticism, just questions and ideas and like concepts about the world from people who are my friends and people I know that I agree with. So how in the world am I going to like come here and talk to y’all about, ‘Oh yeah, like, it’s so important to really like put out the energy that you want to get back,’ when the energy that I was putting out was absolute trash, you know. So that’s the first thing.
And I don’t know, I, there’s a lot that I want to do with this blog and this podcast and my work and I literally just hold myself back. And I don’t know if it’s… well, it’s definitely procrastination. But I think that I get in my head and especially when things like the last week happen, like when I get defensive or I get in my head and I don’t implement the coping mechanisms that I know I have adapted, I just get really down on myself and not even like down on myself but just kind of doubting that things are where they’re supposed to be and that I’m pursuing what I should be pursuing and that I’m doing enough.
And I think I just get in my head, like I can come and I can sit down and just brainstorm and brainstorm and talk about like, ‘Oh I want to do this I want to have this and I want to incorporate this and I want to,’ but then it’s like, I don’t… Am I putting in enough work? Yeah, at the end of the day, am I putting in enough work? And I think that I’m the type of person to… I’m so afraid that I’m not going to put in the work, or I’m not gonna do a good enough job, that I just won’t do it.
And that’s been getting to me a lot because like I get so close, you know. I completely redo my site and I stick with a schedule and I color my monthly planner in and I start making content and I get ahead of my work so that I can work on my blog, and then everything gets like so close to coming to fruition that it’s like, I start to doubt myself again.
Which is, saying things like this out loud, are just like duh, like of course that’s what’s going to happen. But like I really just, it’s like I’ve been doing the work and letting go of the negative thoughts and doing yoga every day and learning to love my body and creating a life that I genuinely, I don’t have stress and I don’t have bad days and I don’t have issues, and then like there’s still something inside of me that like is so self-sabotaging that I just don’t want to see myself thrive.
The other day we were in the car, and I don’t even remember what we were listening to, but I just remember there was a song playing and we were at a red light and I wanted to like sing along and then this car pulled up. And my window was down and their window was down so they were like right next to me. And I was like, ‘Oh, I’m not going to sing along because what if this person doesn’t like the song and they think I’m whack for liking the song?” And it’s like, what’s whack is not doing something that I know is going to make me happy because someone else in another situation might not like that thing.
Like it literally…
Why do I care if someone outside of my car doesn’t like the song that I’m listening to in my car?
I… that… it doesn’t add up.
Why am I so intent on holding myself back?
And like, then it comes back to these projects of, I have been revamping and posting and creating content more than ever and then I’ll have an off day and just not get any work done, and then I’ll be like, ‘Oh, I can never get work done again. I’ll never get the motivation to do it again.’ And then I just don’t. And then four weeks of sustainable content uploading feels like I throw it all away because I didn’t feel right recording a podcast, you know.
And I just, I don’t know, I think it’s something that a lot of people experience, obviously, because there are trillions of psychological studies on imposter syndrome and procrastination and things like that. But when it’s real and when it’s in the moment, it just, it can feel so…
I’ve been making excuses because it’s easier than making changes. And if there’s a full moon coming up, or I don’t feel like getting my work done, or I can’t decide what I want my journal prompt to be this week, like any little bump in the road I just like take as this sign of, ‘don’t do it, don’t pursue it, don’t go after it, don’t follow through, don’t…’ Instead of being like, ‘Oh, I don’t know, like maybe I can look something up, maybe I can educate myself more, maybe I can talk to other people, maybe I can sit and brainstorm a little bit, maybe I need a break, maybe I need to go take in more content and get inspiration.”
Like, I have just, I always like, oh, and we’ll talk about this more when Zach and I do talk about the power of positive thinking… [literally loses train of thought mid-sentence] Oh wow, I really just lost it…
But yeah, I just I get in my head and I rather than pursuing the things that scare me I back away from them and it’s just, it’s getting boring. And then there’s also this part of me that like I’m so self-conscious. I care so much about what other people think. Right now, I can hear that Zach is brushing his teeth out there, and I like don’t even want to speak and record this, because he’s gonna hear me and what if he thinks it’s dumb? Of course he thinks it’s dumb. He lives with me. He’s lived with me every day for the last four years like I, I’m really going to let him brushing my teeth stop me from talking to myself in this room, when I’m going to put this content out into the internets for anybody to hear?
Like what is that? Why do I care so much if people notice that I don’t post. That’s what I want, right? Like I want people to notice that I’m not posting because they’re waiting for my content. Why do I…
And like, here’s the thing, guys. At the end of the day my internal work will start showing through my actions when I start doing the work. I can’t just expect that sitting and meditating every morning is going to turn me into a new person if I don’t let it, first of all, and if I don’t pursue it.
All of these thoughts in my head are great and all of, like, trying to learn how to listen to opposing opinions and not
[Car starts backing up in the parking lot outside] I’m so sorry. One moment.
But like not automatically hating every skinny person that I see, or every woman who walks by and like recognizing these internalized things is great, you know. It’s important. It’s important to be able to have a shitty thought and to immediately self-correct and be like, ‘Oh, that’s not, yes that’s how I used to react but that’s not how I’m gonna react now.’
But then if you don’t change the reaction, the reaction’s gonna stay the same. And I’m just, I’m at this point, where… obviously you can’t see me but like as I was saying that I was leaning over like I’m about to fall off a cliff.
And it’s like I just, I’m here and I’m standing here and I’m looking at all of the things that I’ve done and that I’m able to do and just waiting to like fall off you know and take the leap and trust myself and trust that I have put in the work and I am putting in the work and even if I’m gonna mess up like at least I can mess up and then keep going.
Like there’s no point in anything if I’m not going to keep trying to be a better person. So if I’m just going to get into a slump and be like ‘Oh wow, I’m really annoyed. And I’ve been really annoyed. So now I’m just really annoyed all the time again.’ Like, what?
When I’m hungry do I just like wait, and be like, ‘Oh, I’m hungry.’ –– well yeah, let’s be honest guys like I definitely do that –– but like no you eat food so that you’re not hungry anymore. There are actions to do, you know, and that’s just it.
I’ve planned a podcast. Now I have to do it. I’ve uploaded content and rolled out a monthly calendar and have gotten ready for this shit. And now I just have to do it. Like it’s just about following through and not getting, not falling prey to the self-sabotaging behaviors that are holding me back. Whether it’s with my blog or with just pursuing happiness.
Y’all I want to be happy so bad and I am, that’s the thing. What’s the thing! Listen to this: So like I literally, me and my sister talk about this all the time. Lex, shout out because God bless. But, like, she was like, ‘Do you think, like, Sorry it’s annoying that I’m so fucking happy all the time. Like I’m really sorry if I’m annoying with my happiness.’ And I was a girl, I feel that.
I have always hated like hippie dippie people who just see the good parts of life and who say hello to you when they walk by you, just because, and who are always smiling. And it’s like, I want to be that person so bad and I’m on the cusp of being that person and then I’m afraid that other people are gonna think I’m stupid because I think those people are stupid. It’s like, no girl, just change your perspective.!
Like, that’s literally what this is all about, is like taking in new information and learning how to let it make you better. And I am holding myself back from being outwardly as happy as I am internally because I’m afraid of what other people think like it all, it’s all, I know that I’ve been all over the place and nowhere and, but it’s all connected. It’s all just, I’m holding myself back from thriving, and I’m holding myself back from pursuing growth when that’s literally all that I want to do.
So if you’re listening, if you are feeling similarly to me in this moment, just I don’t know, just take a second and just really try to be real with yourself for a minute. And that’s the thing, that’s the greatest part is like, I know that this shit is embarrassing. It is embarrassing to be called out. So call yourself out so that you can be embarrassed in quiet and not have to be going through this in person. Or like not have to be in the middle of a fight where you’re in tears because you’ve been so defensive and then you’re like, ‘Oh my god, I’m really in the wrong.’ Because then what are you gonna do? You got to swallow your pride and you got to move forward.
So take some time today to swallow your pride, and just really be honest about if you’re holding yourself back. From anything, like everybody’s got their own nonsense going on. But make sure that you aren’t adding to that nonsense for no reason.
But yeah, I just needed to get all that off of my chest, I think. And also to like let you guys know –– I’ve been listening to a lot of Amanda Seales’ Small Doses, y’all gotta listen it’s the reason we are here today. But just to really show you guys that the things that I talk about, I know that I talk out my ass and I talk like I know what I’m talking about. But none of the things that I’m presenting are coming from a place of wisdom, they’re coming from a place of questioning and learning, and like I’m going through it right now and trying to figure it out.
So if you’re trying to figure it out like girl me too let’s go like let’s figure this out together. Because at the end of the day like I will probably never be perfect, but every day is a new chance to try.
Like, I don’t know, it sounds corny but kids go to sports practice –– well adults definitely go to sports practice too –– but as a kid I went to sports practice. You go, you learn, the next day you go back and try to remember what you learned the day before and you just let it become habit.
Like you don’t learn anything overnight or in a day. It’s just about when you’re put in those trying moments when you are doubting yourself or when things aren’t going well, what do I know? What tools do I have in my tool belt that I can pull out to make this better and to make myself better? Because that’s it. That’s all we’re trying to do.
So before I ramble on about something else, again, I will leave you with love and hopefully the motivation to get out of this funk y’all like I am ready. The sun is shining. The birds are out. It’s a good day.
Talk to y’all soon. Bye.
All Who Ponder 